Quotes Taken from Newspapers

From an advertisement:
Get 50% off, or half price, whichever is less.

Headline:
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says.

Question:
What constitutes a millionaire?
Answer:
A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president if investments at AG Edwards and Sons.

Headline:
One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

Army vehicle disappears.
An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

Crime beat:
5:00 p.m. -- Police were called to Market Square for a report about a "suspicious coin." Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.

Crime beat:
Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15 that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.

Headline:
Fish need water, Feds say.

Correction:
Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday's paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error.

Headline:
Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.

Headline:
Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison.

Headline:
Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks.

Crime beat:
Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.

Crime beat:
A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling "help" from a residence on Bank Street. Officer responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named "Help."

Crime beat:
2:58 p.m. -- The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center, making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Miscellaneous:
Dog attack -- Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records.

Crime beat:
An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.

Classified:
Full size mattress, Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. $40.

Classified:
For sale -- collection of old people. Call 253-xxxx.

Classified:
Human skull, used once only. Not plastic. $200.

Classified:
Used toilet paper -- For Sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices.

Classified:
Tombstone: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady.

Miscellaneous:
Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something," she said.

Classified:
China cabinet, buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.